Disorder in the American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters.

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ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you for real? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


(I know that not all attorneys say stuff like this, Lyndsay I am SURE you are great at what you do)

Heads up

Spencer and Heidi will be on the TYRA BANKS show on Tuesday. Apprently they talk about Lauren's "tape" and whether its really out there and they talk about Heidi and Lauren being friends. That's just what I read anyway, but I know for sure they will be on. I have it taped already.

For me, its on the CW at 11am. She has two episodes on that day I had to look for this one. Good luck and happy watching!

Happy Birthday Hiedi!

Tonight we went out for Hiedi's birthday. She is 27 now! Woo hoo! We had so much fun. I love giggling and it came so naturally for us to be together without feeling awkward or like we were trying too hard. I have known Hiedi for almost 7 years now but we really don't know each other THAT well. She dated my brothers friend Pete. Pete came to my wedding and so Hiedi came too. Little did I know that years down the road we would still be friends and hanging out. Crystal, Hiedi and I went to Mimis Cafe for dinner. Then we went to Target. lol...

I know, we are lame, but we had fun. That's all that matters.
Nicely done Hiedi! lol
I have now decided I need to go tanning.

p.s. this is like the first time in almost two weeks I was able to do my hair with only minimal pain! YIPEE! I only had to ice once today too. YAAY!

Calling all "The Hills" viewers...

You know I like Lauren. I have always said I like her. But I totally agree with this article. Time to forgive and forget and MOVE on. If you don't want to be friends with Heidi, then don't, but don't me immature about it either.

Read this article.

Do you agree with the article?

Oops! Church Bulletin Errors

(Thanks Emily)

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be, "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"

What's your favorite OOPS and why?

Picking Strawberries

A few friends and our kiddos went to a Strawberry Field to pick our own berries. It was really fun and something I have never done before. I was pretty sore from bending over in the same position for 35 minutes, but I iced when I got home. I am not sure how people can do that ALL DAY LONG! You do whatcha gotta do I guess.

This is the place we went to in Carlsbad. U-pick Strawberries!

Kasen, Brielle and Ethan following each other through the paths to find the best of the best!

Picking strawberries was hard for the kids. They didn't understand to PLUCK at the stem. Not to grab the strawberry itself and squeeze and YANK. So, the kids hands and fingers were totally red and juicy when they were done.

Licking off the juice after squeezing, not plucking.

Bunch.

He thought his bucket was full but cheap mommy wouldnt let him be done until the strawberries were overflowing from the top

Showing off the end results (and playing in the dirt a little bit too)

Bored

I got bored yesterday while the boys were watching the hockey game, so I decided to take Kasen outside and take some picture of him playing. He LOVES his plasma car. It was broken for a couple months and we got it fixed like 2 weeks ago and he LOVES to play outside now. He is always wanting to go play on his plasma car, his big wheels or his bike. He likes to go for little rides around the neighborhood on his diego bike.

He paused a few times for me yesterday to take some pics.

March for Babies

Two years ago I walked for the March of Dimes. They have since changed their name to March for Babies. I decided this year to walk again, but try and get my friends to walk with me so I made it an event for my playgroup. 5 other girls walked with me, and one girl even signed her hubby up, THANKS Michelle! And thanks again Owen for all the picture taking and stroller help!

Since Kasen was a preemie, I feel a special place in my heart for those poor families and children who have to deal with all that comes along with having a baby born too early.

The march for babies is a 5k. Not too bad. I felt like that walk was a lot shorter than 3.1 miles. Maybe that's just me, but I was busy taking care of kasen in the stroller and just chatting with friends so it went by fast for me.

Here are a few pic's from the walk.

Kasen before the walk.

We just walked right along the coast the whole time. It was so beautiful!

Pretty good for just randomly throwing my hand up and taking a picture without seeing.

Markers.

LDS Moms of North County Team. (one stroller is hidden behind the girls)

All us girls, Kasen snuck out of his stroller to get a peak at the hotties.

When the walk was over, we got back and a band was playing. Kasen has super sensitive ears and wasn't fond of the 12 year old singing.

After the walk.

THANK YOU to all those girls who walked with me for such an important cause. Thank you to all those who supported me. Thank you to all those who donated, family and friends. You guys are great, I am blessed to have all of you in my life. Especially Kasen. :)

Flower Fields

Our playgroup went to the Carlsbad Flower Fields on Monday afternoon. It's been a long week, sorry for those I have promised the photos to, I am just now getting around to doing them.

Kasen TRYING to smile for the camera but the sun kept making him look funny. I don't get it.


Just ignore the DO NOT CROSS tape, we got in trouble for it.
In FRONT of the DO NOT CROSS tape! We learned our lesson.

Kasen, Ethan and Brielle playing ring around the rosie

Aww tender, yet cheesey!

Easter Pics

I was searching through some old pictures a little bit ago trying to find pictures from Kasen and I going to the Flower Fields lasy year. I was going to send them to Jeremy's mom along with the new ones we take tomorrow. I found this:

Easter 2007
Easter 2008

What a difference a YEAR can make. Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow.

Here you go Ljo!

This isn't meant to make you feel better, only to let you know there are others who have experienced what you have.

At the San Diego Temple a couple weeks ago in the bathroom with my friend Autumn.

I was standing at the mirror in my temple dress pulling my hair back. My arms were up in the air putting my hair in a pony tail. And this is how it happened:

Ignorant lady walks in (in her early 60's I would assume)

Ignorant Lady: Aww! I see you are expecting another little one, huh?

Britt: (I look in the mirror behind me to make sure I am the one she is talking to..yep the only one around) Actually, no I am not.

Ignorant Lady: Oh Susan! Why do you say things like that? Foot in mouth. Foot in mouth!

Britt: (awkwardly giggles) Well this is a maternity dress, I got it when I was pregnant with my son (mind you Kasen is 3.5 years old now)

Ignorant Lady: Oh, so your son must not be old enough for you to have lost all your baby weight yet, am I at least right on that one?

Britt: (holding back all agression seeing as how I am in the temple) No, actually my son is 3. I've had plenty of time to lose the weight.

Ignorant Lady: (feeling flat out ridiculous at this point, I would hope) Well I'm still trying to work off some weight. I've got babies that are your age.

Britt: Oh ok. (at this point I am raging and needing to leave, my friend Autumn is snickering in the stall next to me.)

How can people put their foot in their mouth SO far? How does it fit? I am over it, but really? I agree, don't ask unless you feel my baby kicking! Don't ask unless you see me bent over in pain groaning about how the baby is coming. Some people!

Fun with Friends

Last night some friends and I got to have a night out without the kiddos. We went to Panera Bread for dinner, which was super tasty. I am always hesitant to go there and get a sandwich, but I always love it. I recommend the Frontega Chicken Panini. Tasty!

Anyway, it was great to hang out with the girls and to be able to chat and be with friends WITHOUT the kids. I love nights like that.

We WERE going to go over to Clay and Latte but got there LITERALLY 3 minutes late and were not able to paint. They closed at 9 and take the last painters at 8. We got there at 8:03. Lame. So we walked over to the movie theatre, the only movie showing around 8 was superhero. No thanks. So we went to Michaels and hit up their big sale. I mainly looked around because I went to the sale on Monday. We went Coldstone after, it was closed. So Chris and Michelle went home and Crystal and I went to target, not wanting to go home yet.

Crystal and I acted like giddy little girls and laughed the whole time we were in target. We had so much fun! I am glad I went last night...same time next week? lol...

Thank you to Jeremy for watching Kasen so that I could have a night out with my friends! You are the best babe! I love you.

Muscles 'n Hats

Kasen really likes to flex his muscles lately. He flexes so hard that he starts shaking and has to take a deep breath afterwards. Look at those guns!
So I just told him to smile for the camera cause I thought he looked cute with his hat on. Well, he squatted, threw out his arms, and a few choice fingers. Nice.
So we tried again, SMILE...nope, he thought I said ACT LIKE A MONKEY. I can see how those sound a like. Silly Kasen.

Kasen and Bailey-my two kids

Im bummed because the video is a little dark. Bailey seriously cracks me up. She gets really hyper sometimes and starts running laps around the house. She makes her own obstacle course around the couches and through the chairs and under the tables. It's SO funny. Kasen REALLY gets excited to play with her and gets really loud and hyper. (If you can't tell) I am so glad we have Bailey. She makes me so happy. I love her to death.

Dairy Queen Cakes and high quality DONT mix

So my friend Bridget's sister got a birthday cake from Dairy Queen for her boyfriend. She pre-ordered it and told them what she wanted it to say: Happy Birthday Brady.

She went to go pick up the cake today (brady's birthday) and this is what she found?!

Ok, so I REALLY don't mean to be rude when I say this....but what kind of white trash cake is this? First off, the color is putrid! Second, they messed up the letter H, tried to wipe the green off the white and didn't succeed, then just wrote over it...nope can't tell. Third, I am not trying to be dumb, or brag or anything like that, but really? The writing? Kasen can HONESTLY write better than that. Kasen, just a reminder is 3!

I can't help but laugh! Bridget laughed too so I don't feel guilty laughing. That is hilarious. What quality work you get from Dairy Queen!

My Alphabet

A- Attached or single: Attached
B- Best Friend: Jeremy
C-Cake or Pie: Pie
D- Day of Choice: Definitely Saturday..Jeremy is home then
E-Essential Items- make up and chapstick
F-Favorite Color: I dont have one, Kasen asked me that just yesterday and I made up a color because I honestly don't have one
G- Gummi Bears or Worms: bears
H- Hometown: Vista, Ca.
I- Indulgence(s): smoothies, M&M peanuts, popcorn and I have to say right now? shirts...
J- January or July: July with a/c
K-Kids: Kasen
L-Life is incomplete without: Jeremy and Kasen, the gospel too
M- Marriage Date: Dec. 22, 2001
N- Number of Siblings: 6 bro, 3 sis.
O- Oranges or Apples: I really like oranges better, but they give me heartburn, so I eat apples
P- Phobias or Fears: claustrophobia (I freaked out on the Nemo ride), spiders, going under water, getting sick, being restrained, the list could go on and on
Q- Quote(s): the one I really like right now is: "How children see things, depends on what we teach them"
R- Reason To Smile: my miracle of a little boy
S- Season: Spring, not too hot, not too cold
T- Tag Six: Bridget, Autumn, Chris, Jenny, Cassidy, Jeanine
U- Unknown Fact About Me: I play tennis left handed, bat right handed, golf right handed, play the guitar right handed, and write left handed.
V- Veggies or Fruit: Fruit
W- Worst Habit: eating dessert after every meal
X- X-Rays or Ultrasounds: yeah I dont really like xrays at this point. Im going with ultrasound
Y- Your Favorite Food: I have 5 staple favorite foods: tortellini, popcorn, cucumbers, cherries, sauteed mushrooms (eggs used to be one, but since I am lactose intolerant now, I have lost my love for them)
Z: Zodiac: Libra

Update

Just an update for those who have read my last post. Kasen woke up......

DRY!

Yipee! I am excited. We will try it again tonight in hopes for the same results tomorrow morning.

Also, on a side note- I am completely devastated because my son has decided that I am not his MOMMY anymore. I am now his MOM. I don't know why this bothers me so much, but it does. He calls me mom now. He still calls Jeremy daddy most of the time, but sometimes is dad as well. It bothers Jeremy a little too, but not as much as it bothers me. I'm to the point where I want to stop answering when he calls me mom. Isn't that so sad? I know its lame to be so hurt by this, but does anyone feel the same way I do? I feel like he is not my little boy anymore, he is my grown up boy now. Sad.

Milestone!

My son is 3.5 (just about) and has eaten his FIRST hot dog today. It took much convincing and bribing, but he ate it. I can't believe it. Those who know Kasen KNOW that this is a HUGE feat for him. My poor little boy is NOT interested in food one bit. It's not just that he is picky, he just has better things to do than eat. Even if it's just sitting there staring at the wall. To him? Much better than eating. But he ate a hot dog tonight! I can't believe it. Really can't believe it!

Yes, I realize it's not the most flattering picture of Kasen, but the most exciting thing here is what's on the plate. Concentrate on the PLATE!

Also- Kasen went to bed with UNDERWEAR on tonight for the first time. Not a pull up. Wish me luck! lol