Full

My heart is very full tonight. You know, I read a bunch of peoples blogs. They are so good with words. They can express things that I feel, into words. I know this is something that I'm not quite good at. I think I get too overwhelmed with my feelings that nothing I can type seems to express what I'm feeling at the moment. I need to get better at this. Even if it takes me an hour of typing and deleting on this post, I want to get my feelings, coherent, and on this post.

These are my 2 boys. Quinn, 19 mos. and Kasen, 6 yrs. This is where my heart feels full. Happy. I look at these boys and the love that I feel for them brings tears to my eyes. Then I go speechless. The words won't come out. To try and put into words the way I feel about these boys seems like an insurmountable task.

The last couple months of my life have been very up and down. The things that kept me grounded, waking up in the morning and smiling were those boys above. Times when I felt like nothing in my life was good, like nothing was happy. They would remind me day in and day out with a simple "I love you", "mamamamama" or even just a smile, hug or giggle.

There have been some dark days. Days where I would just cry and cry at night. I would sneak into Kasen's room and get into bed with him and just hold him and cry. He never woke up, never even realized I was there. Just being around him and next to him reminded me how blessed I am. There are times when I just cuddle Quinn in his glider and rock back and forth. Where I just go in, shut the door, and hold him. He reminds me that there IS good in my life. No matter how messed up everything else in my life may seem. Those little boys are some of the biggest blessings to ME.

Kasen has such attitude, spunk and enthusiasm. He is a character and definitely picked up the Campbell trait of sarcasm. I can joke with him, be silly with him, and even tell him about my day and he will be happy and excited. I really feel like he is our son to keep us patient, loving and laughing.

Quinn is such a cheery, happy go lucky little boy. He is so easy going and is always being silly. He is a total mamas boy right now and I have to admit, I LOVE it. He cuddles me, loves me, and pokes me. All things that just make me smile. I really feel like he is my son to make me feel loved, patient and blessed.

I snuck into the boys rooms tonight to take those pictures of them sleeping. I love them when they are sleeping. My love grows even more for them while they are sleeping! lol...

Really though? They are my world. No matter how they got here, no matter how they became my children, I am a changed woman because of them. I am better, wiser, more loving, more patient, and more blessed. As much as they can drive me crazy at times, I would never ever give them away. Even though I say I want to rent them out sometimes. Children are a complete miracle.

"While we try to teach our children about life, our children are teaching us what life is about."

Lately I've been pondering on the important things in my life. What I want, what I need, what I have...I just feel so blessed with what I have. Pondering on the things I don't have has gotten me nowhere. Well nowhere good at least. I want to be in a good place. I want to be happy with my life just as it is. I want to know that if I die tomorrow I can be grateful for what I did have. I don't have all the things I feel I need in my life. But I am learning to grow and accept that I don't need them to be happy. I just need to be grateful for what I do have. I have been blessed with so much throughout my life. If the things I want and feel I need do come to me, then I will be forever grateful. If they don't I know I may not ever understand why, or what for, but I know that I can trust the Lord and his timeline.

The past couple weeks my family has been waking up 10 minutes earlier in the morning to read scriptures together. It's hard, I find myself wanting to make excuses, but once I find my way out of bed? I am so grateful I did. The first day I noticed a huge difference. I was happy. Just in general had a good day. It has now become part of our daily routine and I don't ever want it to stop. This is one of the things I have to be grateful for.

I have decided that this year, one of my new years resolutions is to be grateful. So to end my post, I will give you the top 25 things I am grateful for in my life.

In no particular order:

1. Family Scripture Reading

2. My boys. Jeremy, Kasen and Quinn.

3. My faith in the Lord

4. a home to live in

5. my dog Bailey

6. a working car to get me and my fam places

7. water

8. visiting teachers

9. modern medicine

10. my camera

11. the atonement

12. my parents and siblings

13. smoothies

14. Jeremy's job

15. my good friends

16. clocks

17. music

18. temples

19. love

20. flowers

21. quinns nursery leader

22. kasens bff

23. Park Lane

24. good neighbors

25. the priesthood