The Miracle of Life (long)

So, because of some personal stuff going on lately, I have grown even more appreciation for my son. I just wanted to let everyone know how much of a miracle he is in my life. How much I needed him to be here with me and how much he means to me.

From the day Jeremy and I both mutually agreed to stop taking the pill and start trying to get pregnant, we knew it wouldn't be easy. The Dr. had told me that I would have a hard time conceiving before I even got married. At my premarital Dr appt, my Dr diagnosed me with PCOS. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Little did I know what an impact it would have on me and my WHOLE life. It's kind of funny. People are so naive (including myself) when it comes to trying to get pregnant. Unless they have already had a child, or are educated on the subject. A lot of people think that just a man and woman getting together are enough. That's what I thought was going to happen.

When 3 months passed, and no baby, I decided to go see a doctor. Just a normal ob/gyn. At the time I was living in Utah and the Dr. wasn't helpful at all. Even with my previous diagnosis, he was unable to help me. Finally after my 2nd appt to go see him, he gave me some Clomid. Which is a medicine taken on certain days of your period, that is supposed to induce ovulation. My dr didn't even monitor me (which is normal protocol when taking clomid) to make sure the medicine was working. I ovulated. I was charting my temperatures each day and I ovulated. I was SO happy. We took the measures we needed to, and felt for sure that this was the month we were going to get pregnant. Well 3 cycles later of being on Clomid, ovulating, doing what we needed to do, we were left feeling hopeless. At this point, 3 cycles is as long as a couple can be on clomid without taking a couple month break. In the meantime Jeremy was tested to make sure everything was ok there. It was ok, not great, but ok. By the time my next cycle came around, Jeremy had graduated from BYU and it was time for us to move to California.

In April 2003, we moved to California and Jeremy and I were blessed with immediate jobs. However, we were both hired on through temp agencies and only had minimal benefits. We continued actively trying on our own hoping to see that BFP. (big fat positive). It never came. Jeremy was finally hired on through his work and because of where we lived, his only insurance options was a company called Kaiser Permanente. Which was fine, we were just happy to have REAL health insurance. By recommendation from my sister, who has donated eggs before, we went to go see a fertility specialist. This is what we were waiting for. This was the biggest step we needed to take in being that much closer to having a baby. This is exactly what we were praying for. To get insurance so that we could go see a RE. (reproductive endocrinologist)

I called to make my appt with the RE. They were booking a month out. I was very disappointed, but still hopeful. The appt was there, in the system. I was going to get help. We were going to see a Dr about a baby. My appt finally came around in October 2003. We met with the Dr, went over all the options, and went with the most productive option at that point. FSH injections and an IUI. When the insurance consultant came in to discuss the cost with us, she asked for our insurance cards. We gave them to her. She looked at them and asked if we had any other insurance. Jeremy and I looked at each other dumbfounded and said in unison "no" The consultant continued to explain to us that since we had Kaiser, and they were a hmo, that we could only go to a Kaiser facility to receive the appropriate insurance benefits. San Diego Fertility Center was not affiliated with Kaiser. What? Now what? How could this be happening? All our hopes were basically crushed when the consultant told us how much all the procedures, meds, and injections would cost out of pocket. We left upset. Me crying, Jeremy bummed. Both of us thinking we were never going to have a child.

How come we didn't go to Kaiser for treatment? Well our new Dr at SDFC told us that he has had hundreds of patients go through the procedure at Kaiser and a year later, we just starting the process of injections. It had already been a year and a half of trying. We didn't want to wait another year, we wanted a baby and we wanted a baby now. (I have now learned trying for our second how horrible Kaiser is in helping get people pregnant).

Jeremy and I went home that night feeling terrible and terrified. We talked about all the options of how we could raise $5000 dollars up front. ($3,000 for the meds and procedures which was needed up front, $2,000 worth of lab bills) I even talked about selling my wedding ring, that I knew how much Jeremy loved me and I didn't need a ring to prove it. Jeremy of course wouldn't let me do that, which to this day I am grateful for. I talked to my mom that night and just cried and cried expressing to her my concern that Jeremy and I would NEVER be able to have children because of all the medical problems and because we couldn't afford it. She started crying as well, feeling helpless and not knowing what to say to comfort me. She started to try and come up with solutions, one of which was to donate $1,500 dollars of the $3,000 we needed up front. My mom is wonderful. She would do anything to make her children happy. She saw the pain and heartache I was going through and then offered to call Jeremys mom for the other $1,500. I talked to Jeremy and with little hesitance accepted my moms offer. She called Jerralyn (jeremys mom) later that night and explained to her the situation. I don't remember if Jeremy's mom even knew we were trying to get pregnant, but when she found out she was more than willing to help out. She wanted what was best for her son, and me, and wanted to see us happy just as my mom did. She agreed to paying the other half of the upfront money. What wonderful mothers we have. They were BOTH an answer to our prayers. Literally. We were praying for a way to fund this procedure, and our angels (mom and mom) came to us with a solution.

We called the fertility center the next day and told them we wanted to move on with the procedure. They set me up with another appt to go over some tests that would need to be taken on both of our behalf's to move forward. We took the test, got the results and went from there.

It's now about the end of Jan. 2004. I am on so many medications that I don't know what is what anymore. I am waiting for my period to come and it won't. The dr finally had to give me medicine to induce my period. And it all started from there.

So many prayers, SO many appts, classes and tests.

Once it got down to the nitty gritty, it was about a two week process before we were able to find out if Jeremy and I's wish would come true. If we were going to be parents. If some little child would someday call me their mother and jeremy their father.

The procedure? The process? Well Jeremy and I were both working during all of this and I am surprised by all the work we missed. Once the process started we were driving to Carmel Valley (about 30 minutes from work) every other day. My day at the Dr was not a fun one. I would go, get my blood drawn, get a vaginal ultrasound, and then go home later that night to receive my injection. The injections were given in the thigh and since I couldn't reach that, Jeremy had to give them to me. The first injection he gave me I screamed so loud and flinched so hard because the meds burned SOOOOO bad, that I moved my leg and the needle came right out of my leg. Jeremy had to inject me again to push the rest of the medicine through. I was crying so hard. From the time you mix the medicine, you have 15 minutes to inject or it goes bad. I think every single night I sat there and cried counting to 3 over and over again for Jeremy to do it, but I think I went to the max of 14 minutes just about every time before I would let Jeremy inject. I had those injections every day for 12 days. Given at the same time every night.

Every time that Jeremy and I would inject, go to an appt, go to the lab for a blood draw, we would say a prayer. I know that Heavenly Father had such a huge part in this whole process.

After 12 days of injections I went in for my ultrasound and they said I was ready for the insemination. The gave me a shot in the thigh again to induce ovulation. The next day I came in for the insemination. They left my 2 eggs be, and injected Jeremy's sperm through a catheter. That was the day I ovulated. The day after I ovulated, they did another insemination. Then we were left with the 2WW. (2 week wait)

11 days after my insemination I took a pregnancy test at home and it was negative. I was going in for a blood test on Wed, and it was now Sunday. I was devastated. After all the time, emotion effort and money, it was negative. I was never going to be a mom. Even drastic measures couldn't ensure me that calling in life. To be a mom.

On wed, when I woke up for work, I decided to soften the blow of a negative blood test and take a home pregnancy test first so that I could come to terms with it being negative before my appt at the lab. It was about 6:15 am, I had to be to work at 7, and here I was peeing on a stick. Fully knowing that it was going to be negative. Jeremy was in the other room ironing his shirt getting for work also. I took the test, and sat it on the counter next to me. Unable to move, I sat there on the toilet for all 3 minutes. The LONGEST 3 minutes of my life. I finally said a prayer, and looked at the test. WHAT!? Two lines? How could it be? I had tested the other day and there was only one line. Where did that other line come from? I started to get REALLY mad, what a sick joke. After two years of taking negative after negative. I wouldn't allow myself to accept those 2 lines. I yelled at Jeremy, made him bring me the phone, still unable to get off the toilet and I called my mom. It was 6:18 in the morning and I was calling my mom because I thought someone (the pregnancy test) was playing a sick joke on me. I told my mom there were two lines there and her voice started to raise in excitement. What? How can she be happy. This is all just mean. I finally got off the phone with her and we went to the lab. They drew my blood and the test was ordered STAT. (right away) So...I just went to work and tried to get something done. Around 2:30 that afternoon, the Dr's office called me with the results. It indeed was a positive. I started crying, couldn't stop laughing, and was raising my voice in excitement just as my mom had done earlier that morning. I was going to be a mom! Jeremy and I were going to be parents. All of my dreams had come true. There was a baby growing inside of me and that was the best feeling ever, even if I had no signs of it yet.

That my friends is how I became pregnant. Jeremy and I went through so much to bring Kasen into this world and I am so grateful for him every single time I look at him. I still can't believe he is mine. I have never gotten over that feeling from day 1. It's so hard for me to grasp the miracle of life.

When I have more time, I will get into my pregnancy and his birth. He really is a miracle baby.